Updated: Apr 22, 2021
I've missed this so much and I have so many updates for you. First thing's first, Neuro exams are over ! Just as it was all coming to a slow painful halt, I noticed that the sun had come out. The end of the last exam cut to the final scene in almost every Barbie/Disney movie where the villain gets defeated, the filter changes to bright and sunny, the grass gets greener, the birds start chirping, whole nine really. In a very brief moment of rest and accomplishment, I thought to myself, "somehow we made it to this point in one piece". Thank you Jesus! Of course, that might have changed a little when I stepped out and realized that presence of sunshine did not nothing to reduce the cold Irish wind. Nonetheless, Thank you Jesus.
You're probably wondering, "What is this babe on about?". Honestly, same lol.
In all seriousness though, somewhere in the middle the chaos, I think I had what you would call an "Epiphany". I stubble upon a video from Transformation Church called "Distractions in the Deep". At exactly 1:23:43s Pastor Todd goes, "You're okay", and I promise you it felt like he was talking right at me. Ironically, this part of the message was based on the story of Peter drowning when he looked away form God in Matthew 14. You know, the one I wrote about a while ago. His point was that, we all sink at some point, even Peter a disciple sank...
You see a few things happened in this moment, I realized :
1. I am not in charge.
I, you, we, are only living and breathing because God says so, sometimes it may just take facing something that looks completely impossible to bring you to a point of surrender. The words , "You're okay" opened my heart to truly believe that all I need to do is let go and stop trying to control things that I can only do so little about. It is for God to handle, cause I didn't create my self or breathe life into my own body. He did. I know it seems obvious but this word found me in COVID bound isolation, trying to study things that my brain was physically rejecting. It took a whole load of pressure right off my back, I took a deep-ish breath and just let go. It was nice. Fun fact guys, "You're Okay".
2. I need to stop waiting on the other shoe the drop
Shoes drop every day, regardless of if you freeze and hold your breath between them or not. I found that I was doing just that, waiting for all the stars to align before allowing myself to be myself. There is so much more I want to accomplish, so much of me that I have left on the side lines till life made sense again. I quickly, realized that these are the very things that make life worth living.Your passions, hobbies, the pointless things that you do simply because they make you happy. The people you surround yourself with and open you mind to.... All of a sudden, I saw color again.
3. Happiness is a Gift
"In the presence of the Lord, there is fullness of Joy!" Psalm 16 vs 11. It's so easy to get caught up in our expectations, goals and responsibilities that we forget to be happy. I would attribute mine to the Nigerian "suffer-head" mentally that says - if you're not shedding blood sweat and tears, you're not putting in enough effort. Whatever your thing is that pushes your happiness to the bottom of the list, I just want you to remind you that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Happiness is not always a choice in the way that you can will yourself into feeling good and being on 100 all the time. It about plugging into your source, that thing that fuels you up and making it a priority. We strive so hard to be the best of the best, at least I do, but the bible says that the "He who is least among you all is the one who is great", Luke 9 vs 48. In other words , Just chill. Contentment comes from within, irrespective of where you are or what you would rather be doing, it frees you and gives you peace. Don't get me wrong, it's not complacency. Actually it's quite the opposite, for me, it's knowing I am okay and being careless enough to apply myself to the things i've always wanted to do. For you, it could just be accepting that you truly are not in control. But for all of us it takes a bit of faith to trust that although the ground looks like a deep body of water, you might not sink and if you do, you won't drown. You're okay.