Love in all its glorious forms is a gift from God.
It's funny how it works when you ask God for Love.
He responds, "Yes my darling, you can have it", then you look around and nothing has changed.
He then proceeds to take you on this very journey of finding Love, starting from the exact spot that you're at. The issue is, you didn't know how far away you were from love to begin with. You expected love to show up in the form of a 6ft5", God fearing, patient, (coughs)rich, beautiful man/woman. You would lock eyes at the gym one day and the rest would be history. Better still, they would just knock on your door and proclaim their undying affection for you...
Instead, God (Love), showed you, you. He showed you how little love had access to you. He showed you how little love you felt for yourself and all the walls you had built up to prevent love from happening to you. He showed you how and why you became this way and validated everything thing that led up to this moment. He showed you why you've been so defensive and protective for so long, why you've felt the need to fight and push away anyone that tried to get too close. He showed you when you started fighting and the attributes that predispose you to adopting this defense mechanism. All the while feeling the loneliest you've ever felt...
And then, He gave you a second to recover because this was a lot, this was whole lot.
He went right back into it because, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus", Philippians 1:6. This time He made you go through things, brought you to a place where you've never been. A place that felt like the worst failure you'd ever had. A place where a part of you felt like He had let you down and left you alone to self-destruct. The other part of you knew this was impossible, "Because God has said, never will I leave you; never will I forsake you", Hebrews 13:5 but you still couldn't make sense of what was going on.
In this very place, you found love, you needed love to survive. As much as you felt like you didn't deserve any of it, as much as you blamed yourself for ruining everything, you found love still. In this vulnerable state, you held on to love for dear life, and you soaked it up from every angle that it came. You didn't realize when your walls came down and you started engaging in love. You started feeling big love in little gestures and kind words. You had no more energy to not trust, to not lean on support. And it all started with the people that had been around you this whole time. Those who you thought had no interest or capacity to love you..
He gave you a short break again cause, He's nice.
Just as you suspected He would, He brought you back to this vulnerable place. Maybe He wants you to practice love a little longer so that it can permanently become a part of you. Or maybe He wants to show you more about yourself. At this point He has given you enough courage to try again with love in a safe space and at your own pace. Like a child that's just learning to walk, you get to explore what love really is and what it means to you. You have a silent assurance that one day you will run effortlessly, but for now, baby steps.
Although, you're not quite sure where or when this rich man comes into the picture, or perhaps he already is.. Either way, you've decided to start from you and those around you, trusting that whatever is meant to be, will be. Either way you know you will have this deep deep love that you so desire. Perhaps He planted this desire in you in the first place and this is all inception lool. Perhaps He wants this for you because it has the power to change everything, He might just have a "Plan to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future", Jeremiah 29:11. So you didn't know what you were asking for when you prayed for love but you're grateful that you presented the request to Him anyways.
Ultimately, you’re glad you didn't get love in the way that you wanted it. You're glad that He "Is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20. You can (and probably will) go on and on about how love is changing you, making it easier to choose you and live out only that which feels purposeful. However, you know the story is still being written and you're just hoping that you've been able to keep your readers' attention till the end of this blog post.
To be continued....