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Updated: Sep 24, 2020
Pardon my disappearance, my only excuse is that I honestly did not know what I was getting myself into when I committed to bearing my soul on here. I’ve been sitting on this for a while now because I just felt like it was way too heavy, but then again, I thought, if not here, then where? If not now, then when? I feel like life has a habit of teaching me things in the hardest ways with very intense periods of self-reflection. Recently, I’ve had to face some of the things I had compartmentalized and buried really really deep. I like to think that my journey to resolution began form the moment these things resurfaced and from where I am standing it looks like it's going to be a long bumpy one. Since I wrote this entry somethings have changed and I now have a completely new set of questions (because when am I ever not confused? lol). However, I still think these ones are still valid so here goes.
Happy reading :)
One faithful day, while reading Matthew 14, specifically where Jesus asked Peter walk on the water towards him, Peter did for a while and then looked away and began to sink ".....But when he saw the wind he was afraid and began to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him, "You of little faith,” He said, “why did you doubt?".
My mind, in all of its distracted glory remained stuck on the thought that when Peter rose to the surface his clothes must have been soaking wet. I am not sure if the Bible makes mention of his physical state after this incident and I claim no expertise what so ever. I just couldn't shake the thought that wet clothes feel heavier than dry ones. Even though he was back on track, he still wore the proof of his faltering faith.
I guess my question here is, how do we/I/you deal with being a product of our mistakes?
What do we do with the mess we made when we looked away for a few seconds, minutes or years? What happens to you when you heart and only your heart has been made right but everything else remains the same in that moment? What does the word say about my current mental state as I walk out of this church freshly baptized? For some, it's a drastic change like flipping a switch or life changing spiritual encounter.... but for others it simply is not. For a moment, be it brief or stretched out, we live in the mess we made.I know that the grace of God wipes away all of our sins and we are made whole, but how do I address this Tyrion sized scar that is slashed across my face for everyone to see? because it still hurts and it still bleeds.....
Excuse the theatrics I really couldn't help myself, but I hope you get my point. My aim here is get a better understanding of what really happens after "ever after" for you. My attention here is more toward the mental state/health, the idea that these are sometimes very tangible sources of distress. I know that I am guilty of neglecting my own emotions and internal responses and get carried away with doing life, but lately they have caught up to me. I did not know it at first but It was packed with raw untapped potential for personal growth. Taking the time to actually sit down and analyze my feelings about life in general, past, present and future has been tough, painful, fulfilling, confusing, insightful.... (I've run out of big English). It is something that still goes on till this day and something I have chosen to embrace. I am probably late to the party but if you also are guilty of just existing and being wrapped up in the rigor of life, if you understand or can relate to any of the jargon I just fed you, I Implore you to take a peek into yourself and if you are so inclined, share your thoughts.